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I used to obsess over every damn pound, freaking out about getting fat, stepping on the scale daily like a paranoid maniac, scribbling every detail in a stupid journal. But then, plot twist—my trusty vibrator died mid-action, right at the friggin’ climax! Desperate, I yanked the battery from my scale to save the day. Guess what? That battery never made it back. Haven’t weighed myself in a whole freakin’ year!

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